Stories people tell us are magic spells

...unless we choose to listen deeper

Anytime we meet someone new, the person we are meeting is trying to get us to experience themself the way they desire to be experienced. If we can learn how to listen into what we are being told, we can choose between a deeper way of listening to the stories or falling under a person’s spell. Through learning how to listening differently, we can get to know people not just for the persona they present but also get a feel for deeper wounds. We can draw the whole picture of relatedness that is being presented to us if we choose to pay attention.

When we can accept the entire range of aspects of a person that is being presented through story, we are more likely to be able to stay in relationship with someone. We can engage in relationships without expecting a person to change or being surprised by who they “turn” into as we get to know them better. Everyone shows themself to be a part of who they are. Accepting that truth and teaching ourselves to curiously observe beyond a presented self is a choice we can make to feel more empowered in the relational world.

I write a good amount about how we create the self we choose to be from the stories we tell ourselves about what we experience. We change stories and forget details to suit (or soothe) our self image. Today, I am flipping the concept of story into what the stories we hear from others can tell us about the capacity that person has to relate to us and if they have interest in using relationship to transform their own self. Too often we get into relationships with people and “find out who they really are” after we have been seduced by the allure of their stories.

Photo Credit: dr.joe.rothstein

Seduction does not occur solely in romantic relationships. When we meet anyone new, we fall into the eros of the other person’s story.

I want you to think about how in tune you are to listen beyond the words of stories you hear from others about their experiences. To truly hear all of a person, you need to be able to listen INTO the themes, wounds, defenses, boundaries, and idealizations that reveal the inner truth of the person telling the story. All stories can demonstrate how interested a person is in their own personal growth and engaging in dynamic relationship their response to your interest in their story.

Depth potential is not actually conveyed through words. Neither is authentic belief in relating to grow. The development of a relationship is found in the realm of the unsaid that unfurls as we get to know someone. Stories are the foreground of relating that point us towards the person we want to get to know. The unsaid points us to the person we will inevitably end up being in relationship with. By listening to the unsaid, we can have a sense of choice in developing relationships instead of unwelcome surprises.

Always First. The Story.

The way we introduce ourself to others is through story. The stories we share about our self show how we relate as our self to our self. The stories we share guide people into seeing us in a very specific way.

Stories represent how much we are capable of relating to others about our self. There is so much to be gleaned from the stories we personally choose to share about ourself. Imagine then what can be learned about the people we meet in the stories they choose to share about themselves to us. Stories provide a snippet of reality. It is up to us to try to see the bigger picture.

Knowing ourselves, we understand (even if we choose to forget) what exactly we are trying to portray about the self that we share through story. Read that sentence again. It’s a doozy. Knowing ourselves, we understand (even if we choose to forget) what exactly we are trying to portray about the self that we share through story. Hopefully if you are reading this, you also have some level of understanding what you are avoiding in that same story.

We share life experiences that make us look a certain way, point a person towards a specific aspect of our personality, or support an image about our self that we want to have as a foundation to the relationship we think we are forming. Rarely do the initial stories we tell about our self include the vulnerability of the insecure self or introduce a deeper (non recycled) emotional invitation towards intimacy. We hit people with the “truth” of self that we want to share and hope that the less love-able aspects of the self remain in shadow at first. In essence, the stories we share about ourself when first meeting someone are meant to be a glamor, a spell.

To be introduced and begin to share the self with another does not simply include talking at someone by sharing our own comfortable stories of experience. There is little eros to be found in informing what we know about ourself to another. Eros is relational. Eros is found in attention, curiosity, and a desire to know more. We strive to put our acceptable self out to the other to form the tenterhooks of connection required that will allow friendship, attraction, or any other potential relationship to deepen.

We will be a completely different person to someone we may be attracted to physically versus someone we want to connect with intellectually versus someone we want to form a business acquaintance with versus someone we meet at a retreat. Stories change dependent on who is being met. There is an inherent ability to relate when we show ourselves we can make use of the other person and the relationship potential that exists by changing the story we choose to tell.

(I should note, it is an internal red flag if you DON’T change your introductory stories a bit to reflect what you want out of the person you are trying to engage. If you aren’t changing your story to reflect the relationship you want, you aren’t capable of fluctuating how you relate. Rigidity, closed offedness, or self involvement is actually getting in the way of the deeper authentic need to relate.)

Just take a moment to feel into what I am talking about here. Get familiar with what YOU portray to another person you meet and how you control the stories you tell to reflect how you want the person to get to know who you are. I know that many of you could just sit with this awhile. It may be a new thought process. If it is, before reading on, take a bit of time or use the journal and meditation exercises at the end of this post. Only by finding compassionate understanding for how you share yourself to new people and where you person are coming from can you accept that others are doing the same thing to you - often with similar insecurities and needs.

If you can accept who you become when you meet someone new, now is the time to ask…

What Happens When Someone New Is Meeting ME?

If you can take a moment to acknowledge all of the sophisticated energetics that go on internally when you meet people and want to form connection, you can then potentially expand that awareness into an understanding that there is mutual complexity happening internally every time anyone meets someone new. Acknowledgement of mutual complexity being present is a sign of healthy relatedness. In every burgeoning relationship, there is a desire to be seen, accepted, and potentially loved. Again, this is true of any relationship we find ourselves engaging in - love, lust, work, school, friendship, etc.

Photo Credit: dr.joe.rothstein

Our full self is always going to long for the deepest connection possible in any relationship that we start. Our defended self is going to resist this possibility and present itself in a way that hides the parts of ourself we fear are destined to be unloved.

You may not be able to acknowledge that all of this complicated dynamic is happening. You might want to keep it simple. Unfortunately, that’s not the way we humans work. You form relationships in the hope that your heart can understand it is worth sharing itself. You form relationships to recognize your self as an invaluable being. Being in connection with others is how you acknowledge the potential of sharing the truest depth of your self. Ironic, isn’t it, that we then tend to lead with the idealized image that is attached to this self and the avoidance that goes with it?

Whenever we meet someone new, their own complex self identity with all its normal issues shows up in that meeting as well. Self image stakes its claim. Needs become convoluted. Insecurities get buried in shadow. The stories that are shared in the complicated medium of two people meeting with the hope of evolving into a relationship hides more than it shows.

The story of self is meant to hold the other in thrall. It is meant to weave a magic spell that says “want more.” It is meant to attract, while testing for any possible force that repels. We instinctively want to remain in control of how deep the relationship goes and how much we share of the self. We want to control our acceptance and rejection.

Stories are a method of both sharing and testing. If the response to the story is not what we want, we move on before a greater connection is made. If the other responds positively, more stories get shared and the relationship is allowed to deepen.

Looking more closely into the stories others share gives us a chance to develop a measure for who exactly we are beginning to relate with. Listening into the unsaid provides us with a tool to understand what is being said as well as what is not being said. Tracking the self provides us with a tool to understand how the engagement is happening that is luring us into more relationship.

I hear all the time from people that the person they met or fell in love with was not who they ended up being in relationship with over time. I constantly see couples who just want the other person in the relationship to change but can’t seem to accept how impossible that concept of change is to achieve when it’s demanded. I consistently have to support people in finding the underlying themes that are shared in texts, emails, videos, and conversations that show how a person relates for real, not from the spell of story. In essence, a key part of the work I do is helping people comprehend the under the surface communication to understand all that is being said. It is often my job to alchemize words, actions, and energy.

Newsflash. People don’t change that much or that easily. Change is an illusion. We peel our own onion layers of self back when we engage in transformation. This means our own patterns do not stop or go away, they develop. Old habits do not die, but sometimes we can make different choices. At the end of our lives, the person we are right now is the same person as will be when we die. We cannot escape our inevitable self. It is how we meet our self and others that has the capacity to change how we feel about ourselves, not who we are pushing ourselves to be.

We change by making different choices, not by becoming someone else.

When we are meeting someone new, it’s our own desire to be captivated by the story that the person is telling us that needs to be questioned. When attempting to break out of patterns of negativity, abuse, or even when simply wanting more depth in relationship it is our patterns that need to change. Meeting someone new requires self observation and listening. If this person represents revisiting an old pattern or engaging in something new, transformed, or habitual; WE have to CHOOSE to interact in a new way. Whenever we form a new relationship, the potential for transformation exists in our ability to make choices that are outside our own norm and to engage with the person we are speaking to with a greater sense of relational self.

The Invitation: Listening Deeper

I am guessing that most of you who read my work understand concepts like active listening, mirroring, “I” statement sharing, and all of those lovely concepts we learn as self work enthusiasts. I assume there is a certain level of emotional and relational depth that you have that, let’s face it, is not available in every person you meet. I understand that people who are reading this have already delved into self work, possibly working with others in a related field of self help, or are passionate about deepening into finding light in the world. This means when I write something like “listening deeper” as a title, your training kicks in. You already have a persona or an idea attached to this concept. Take a moment to suspend into what you don’t know.

When I talk about listening deeper, it’s not what your training says to do. It’s not about putting on a listening persona. It’s not about taking deep breaths and finding your center so that you can listen fully to the person in front of you with as much of your being as you can. Those tools are great. Ultimately to be in relationship we need to be able to bring all of ourself into being. So stop doing all that management for a moment and just let yourself feel into you as you are, without any trying or striving.

Photo Credit: dr. joe.rothstein

The practice of listening deeper is one that goes sideways into the unknown. It can even go into ignoring…while paying deep attention. Does that make any sense to you? Can you give yourself permission to attempt deep listening without feeling like you are neglecting something important? I often get resistance to this concept.

In the case of listening deeper, the practice doesn’t have to be relegated to the moment. You can listen deeper later on, when you are not talking to the person. You can retrospectively ponder the stories you have been told or the interactions you have had about pretty much anyone you meet. Listening deeper is a skill that can also be used in the moment, but it does take you out of one aspect of active listening and invites you into a curious exploration of the unknown.

Listening deeper to a person, especially at first, might mean you miss exact words stated or an ability to factually recount what is being said. Listening deeper is not about hearing the person you are being be-spelled with. It is about going deeper into what isn’t being said, what is not being shared, and wanting to get clarity on the entire person that is emerging from the story that is being shared. Listening deeper hears limited beliefs, negative and positive self images, emotional depth capacity, relatedness, and the comfortable role played as a default in relationship. Listening deeper lets go of minutiae into wholeness. Listening deeper breaks spells.

Personal Exploration: One could say, when listening deeper, that I am not listening at all. I know when my husband is angry and starts to rant that I stop any form of active listening and go straight into listening deeper. I can rarely tell him after the fact what he was mad about…on the surface. I can absolutely tell him how he was hurt, what he was expressing at the crux, and what he was needing from me but feeling like he couldn’t get. Listening deeper allows me to not get emotionally entangled and triggered. It is a tool to remain present in the truth of our whole relaitonship in the midst of conflict, pain, and defense.

I use deep listening to go beyond the comfortable and into the unstated energetics that surround any sort of confrontation. In its essence listening deeper is an attempt to hear the unsaid and unexpressed that is interwoven in all communication we share with others, but especially present in our self generated introductory stories that seek connection.

Deep listening involves hearing beyond the obvious into, what frankly might be for the speaker, the oblivious. To truly listen to what a person has to say, we need to open ourselves to the shadow that exists in what they communicate. We have the ability to be more open to another person’s unconscious than they are to themselves. If we can step out of the spell that is being weaved when we meet someone new, we create choice for ourselves to be present with all of ourselves and all of who the other person is. We break the spell by engaging in the idealized self, the unconscious self, and the hidden self through the relatedness of the other person.

Got you thinking? Over the next few posts I’ll explore the concept of listening deep more fully, as well as providing exercises and tools to learn WHAT to listen to and HOW to track what the self is becoming during the storytelling process. I will be writing about the red flags of self mesmerization as well as what that says about who you are becoming through the story. By learning how to simultaneously track what is being said and how relational the content of what the story is, you will learn how to enter into relationship more fully and maintain choice throughout the beginning stages of any spell of story.

In the meantime, you can use the meditation and journal exercises below about your own story to support your understanding of how great the role of who you portray in your own story is to your own psyche.

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