Boundaries as an Invitation
Relationships Thrive when Boundaries Exist, right?
A relationship needs a container to move flourish, to deepen, to grow. Without consensual and conscious boundary adjusting, relationships get into dead end ruts. Intimacy is impossible to establish after that first initial contact. Holding unclear boundaries fuel a lack of aliveness and habituates the problems that repeat themselves over and over in relationships.
For a relationship to feel new and regenerative, a deeper presence is waiting to be acknowledged. Boundaries are basic relational requirement that stumps many of us. We live our life never experiencing them reciprocally and healthfully.
Boundaries support is in having our basic needs met clearly - being seen, heard, accepted, and loved for who we are.
Boundaries create a space where we can feel free to express ourself and feel ourself as we are.
Boundaries help us feel a difference between self and other without being overtaken.
Boundaries allow us to feel safe in our own space and give us choice on how and when we want to relate.
The conundrum is that it is too easy to become self absorbed when working through our own boundary issues and forget that mutual establishment of healthy boundaries is much more nourishing than one individual demanding that boundaries be respected at the cost of the other person’s experience.
Boundaries create a Container for everyone to GROW!
Our container is the boundary between self and other that we hold energetically and too often unconsciously around ourself. The space around us can be big or small depending on how we feel. It can also be open and porous or closed and shut off with every variation in between. The boundaries we hold energetically can change depending on where they are in the body. (For instance, we could have a closed off heart with an open sexual center. This is how many of us relate to people who we are attracted to but don’t know how to trust.) A healthy container is one in which we can identify and feel in alignment with our own boundaries.
When we are working on our own boundaries, it is really good if we can acknowledge the fertile ground of container that we are trying to create. We want the boundaries that we feel to become part of our words, of course, but also part of our energy. When our energy and words are cohesive, our boundaries are cohesive. This is the space where we can actually know who we are and have permission to be ourselves.
Often what we don’t think about when we go through the obsession of creating verbal and clear boundaries for ourself is how people who are interested in us feel safer when we establish boundaries. Relationships actually thrive when there are boundaries, because there is more permission to take the time to find the self inside without being overtaken. Pushback, if it comes to us, is a sign that the person we are trying to relate with is either not interested in us or wants to enmesh within the relationship to feel safe.
The part of boundaries that I rarely hear being addressed in people is interest in another’s boundaries or reactions to the boundaries that are being set. Often when we first start working on boundaries we get a little self involved and forget that there may be more than one person in a relationship trying to find clarity. It is really important in working on having better boundaries to notice the effect of the boundary shift on the people who are being asked to uphold the boundaries. It can be a bit of a hitchy growth (think transplant shock) but those people in your life who want to feel more of themselves will eventually thrive in your establishment of boundaries…if you can bother to stay interested.
Questioning our Innate Sense of Self
Any sort of self improvement requires self honesty. We need to know our default way of processing ourselves to understand how we might hold self involvement at the detriment of our own desired change. It really all comes down to focus.
Those of us who tend to be overly focused on our self are likely to create self involved boundaries that aren’t open to the input of others.
Those of us who tend to under focus on our self are more likely to create an open boundary that inevitably gets overrun.
Those of us with a lot of fear may be too strongly hidden from ourselves to create a boundary that is capable of being breached.
Those of us who need others to feel the self are likely to create unconscious openings in our boundaries to avoid our own loneliness.
Our innate sense of self checks the boundaries we make and keeps them unconsciously comfortable. This sense of self is cultivated in every day life, not just in holding a boundary. It is the point from which all energetic boundaries emanate. Our sense of self holds our boundaries regardless of our awareness. Having a sense of self within a boundary creates the worth and value necessary for another person’s input to matter. Without consciously connecting to a boundary that is outside of our comfort zone, we are doomed to repeat our own mistakes.
My Transformational Soap Box = Compassion, Listening, Curiosity, No Agenda, And Authentic Reacting…
All of these components are necessary to create transformation. Without them, we might as well just go back into our little shells and admit defeat. We need to be able to hold ourself in a way that is outside our negative orjudgmentalminds. When you want to make a change in your life, write these down and assess yourself honestly as to whether or not you want to make choices towards expanding these foundational cornerstones of meaningful life change.
Compassion
Without compassion there is no room for the softer self. We cannot heal ourselves without compassion. We cannot have thriving relationships without compassion. Once compassion is lost, boundaries become too rigid and dead. Compassion gives space for the untested words or thoughts to come out and not be judged. A freedom to be the self in a way previously unexpressed becomes possible. Compassion is essential to a healthy boundary.
Listening
Within a boundary there is a need for emotional reactions and defenses need to be voiced. We all have to give ourselves the freedom to do this in order to find our boundaries. Unexpressed emotions often come out imperfect and even possibly mean or disconnected. If we get lost in the intensity of the emotion, we may make the boundary too hard or disconnected. Only after the emotion has shifted into a softer expression can a true boundary be heard.
Curiosity
Curiosity needs relationships to unearth the new you. Healing always always always happens in relationships, not alone. Alone we have the thoughts we know how to think. With others, we have the potential to learn something new. Holding curiosity keeps a presence in the dynamic that isn’t detached. From the perspective of boundaries, we need to be curious about the effect our boundary has on the people we want to be in relationship with. Otherwise the boundary is simply an excuse to overpower another. Curiosity is the medium for a relationship to change with the boundary.
No Agenda
As soon as an agenda comes into a boundary, repetition of wounding is inevitable. An agenda shows up most often when we get attached to an outcome or have a boundary that is not relationally specific. Within an agenda there is no feeling of safety for anyone. An agenda is more energetic than it is verbal. Agenda creates an unconscious demand on the person we are trying to establish a boundary with to uphold the boundary exactly as we expect it to be upheld. An agenda creates a death to authenticity.
Assessing our own agenda and calling ourselves out on it can create a living relational field for the boundary. I call this No Agenda. No Agenda means being open to the reaction we have and another person has to the boundary we are trying to establish. No Agenda creates a deeper sense of permission in the boundary for both people to discover themselves. Personal authenticity is honored when we give ourself the space to shift a boundary, test it out, figure out what works and what doesn’t, and allow it to be a bit different depending on who we are using it on.
Authentic Reacting
When we are establishing a new boundary, our own reactions to it need to flow through us rather than become a point of attachment or rigidifcation. At the same time, boundaries are relational. If we get too interested in our own reactions though, we may miss the deeper unfolding that is happening in front of us.
This is probably one of the hardest aspects of relating on every level. We need to give space to ourselves to react to our use of the boundary. We also need to give another person a space to react to our use of the boundary. Somehow we need to let this flow without feeling like the boundary is in valid or too valid.
If you are the one in a relationship that is establishing a new boundary, it is ok to tell the person that you are asking it of to slow things down so that you can have your own reaction. There are red flags galore in this step so I’m not going to write more about it here. Just know that if you are diminishing your own or another person’s reaction to a new boundary, you are not allowing for authentic reacting. No judgement here, just mark it in your consciousness as something you need to look at, be more interested in, and have more tolerance for.
The Realized Growth Component
We do not learn to hold a boundary in just one interaction. In relationships that want to feel alive and grow, boundaries are as important as intimacy. They have to be prioritized, discussed, and consciously tested. We need to be able to admit what we need to work on to hold a clear boundary for the people we love that is reflective of the care we have for them and the care we have for ourselves.
We also need to be able to hear feedback on how we can shift our boundaries to be more uniquely accessible to others. There is always an intense amount of complexity that exists when we consciously meet our problems instead of interacting with them in familiar patterns of wound and defense.
Boundaries are an integral part of staying in relationship with people instead of leaving when repetitive issues overwhelm us. It is normal to need help and support in developing a boundary. It is also important to reach out to people that know how to hold one when the issues become too intense for the relationship itself. Practicing boundary malleability with intention and conscious connection is necessary for an enlivened relationship.
Meditation To Deepen Into Your Container
Exercises to Deepen Your Understanding of Boundaries
Journal about each component mentioned above (Compassion, Listening, Curiosity, No Agenda, And Authentic Reacting).
Which of these comes easy for you and which do you struggle with?
How can you practice developing the components that are harder for you?
What do you need to tell your self in order to be able to hold a healthier sense of self towards what does not come easy to you?
What images hold you back from wanting to practice holding clearer boundaries?
See if you can remain curious about these images and feel into how they are holding you back from who you want to be.
What would need to shift inside you for you to create a relational boundary?
Name a negative repetitive pattern in your life.
How does your boundary need to shift to change the pattern?
What part of your body is able to hold this boundary?
What part of your body is not?
How can you make your energy match your desired boundary? What needs to change about the boundary to make it clearer?
Beautifully done. I resonate with this and see how evolving relationships need a continual reevaluation of boundaries.
Your clarity about how the inner state holds the boundary is something I rarely hear people acknowledge.This post is packed with value, multi-textured aspects of clear boundaries and I plan to re-read it.